I am writing this letter upon the knowledge that you are already aware of what has been going on lately. I know that you may never come across this page at all, but still I want you to know my side of the story. We may never have the chance to talk to each other again anytime soon for some reasons, not because I’m still not ready nor because I don’t have the guts to face you after all the things that I have done. I just don’t think that it’s the proper time and place to have “The Talk”.
You see, it was quite playful of the universe to conspire against us (or only me!) to fall in love with the same person at the same time, and belong to the same circle of friends. Although I do understand that you were there first and you are, of course, the rightful lover. To be honest, everything wasn’t intentional. Nobody wants to be stuck in this type of situation for the longest time. Especially for someone like me who used to have a high set standard of morals.
You may not directly admit it, but somehow I know that you felt betrayed by my actions. Although we’ve known each other just recently this year, after all the short trips and night outs we’ve been through, I already consider you as a friend of mine. And friends aren’t supposed to do that to his friend, if you ever considered me as one of yours. Trust is something that I highly value. It’s hard to earn at the same time hard to protect. So fragile and I’ll surely understand if someone who lost trust will have a hard time putting its pieces back together.
I am sorry.
It may seem like I’m being too defensive of my actions or that I am overreacting that you know about everything, but I just want you to know that I’m sincerely sorry. You may not consider me as a threat in comparison to the other guys “J’s” got involved with. But the behavior I have shown recently isn’t something I would expect from someone I consider as one of my friends.
I just want you to know that it’s a one sided thing, at least lately. I never felt reciprocated the entire time. Although J is the first one to show “intentions” during the earlier phase, don’t hold it against your lover, on J’s defense, it was I who misinterpreted those actions for something else. You of all the people know J better and what J’s capable of doing. I just want you to understand where I was coming from.
I also want you to know how things fell into place, you see, I wasn’t like this before I met J. I used to be a reserved, shy boy who thinks lowly of himself. I never thought that anyone would be capable of “liking” me back. J made me feel like I am actually special and worthy of attention, at least superficially. I was young, gullible, and naive back then. I shared a lot of firsts with J, my brain and heart both tricked me to believe that it was something special. My hormones are the ones to blame for making me feel the rush that I’ve never felt with someone else. It was like a being intoxicated by a drug, you’ll have your fix and it leaves you high for sometime only to find yourself craving for some more and in a more intense dose. This feeling went on to the extent that I wanted to share an ultimate first time with your lover.
In a chapter I would like to call as the Dark Ages… I lost so much of myself in the process. I did so many things that I never thought I’d be capable of doing. It started from a crush, progressed into infatuation, which I thought was *love* but in reality it was love masked that masked a form of poisonous obsession. It consumed so much of me. There came periods of self-pitying during those times that I ponder “What the hell has happened to me to sink this low and succumb to this form of behavior.” I hated myself so much that I turned to destructive behavior in search of an escape. My body suffered from all of those alcohol, binge eating, and what the hell, I even started smoking cigarettes.
I have already stopped this thing weeks ago. I distanced myself from J already, and there’s no more form of communication between the two of us. It’s a good thing that I started with med school already. There’s no more reason for us to see each other. I can finally move on to the next chapter of my life. And finally be able to forgive myself in the process.
I want to thank you for acting civil when we met the other day. The entire night I wasn’t aware that you know all of this. Still, you welcomed me with a smile and your warm presence. Now that’s another reason for me to feel guilty for the things that I’ve done. I know that you love J so much. I genuinely wish that your relationship will withstand the test of other trials. You may have experienced worst problems than this. In fact, you might already be oblivious to this kind of stories.
I still love J so much. No, not the romantic type anymore. 😛 This time, I know that it’s love because I only care so much for J, without the expectations of reciprocation. I just wish you both happiness, and please stay happy together for heaven’s sake! You’re my friends and it would break my heart if some other person will be the reason for your relationship to fall apart! (I’ll be fighting for your side!)
I hope that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me, and please don’t make it seem like it’s no big deal and like it didn’t matter. I am still looking forward to that day for us to have a moment to talk to each other. Until then, I wish you all the best in life and your relationship. I’m here and I’ll always love you, friends. 🙂
With so much love, respect, and adoration…